Pathgate Journal
In Quest of the Authentic Self
- Dawa Loday ’s account of the perils of living a life governed by artificial persona -
"When I first met Sifu I was 22 years old, and I was already living a life of lies in so many ways that I was constantly guarding, repressing and suppressing my emotions. These suppressed emotions started when my parents divorced while I was very young. Whilst at school I buried myself in studies, sports and arts, all of which I excelled in, but outside of these activities, I was quite maniacally depressed. I was unable to interact in group situations and constantly went in search of romantic relationships, which in my eyes could never live up to expectations and thus offer me the opportunity to put the blame on someone else, as a means to vent my anger. I had a real problem to come to terms with my own identity and consequently avoided facing up to reality whenever I could. I was restless emotionally and anger was brewing up inside of me though it was well concealed.
I went to university in London in 1986 to study architecture, and while there I started to focus the anger and blame onto myself as well as the people close to me. I began to drink excessively, and to smoke tobacco and marijuana. By the end of the first term I had a physical breakdown and was unable to get out of bed for weeks. I dropped out of university, and decided that I wanted to study art as I felt that I could express myself better through this medium. At the same time I became involved in a relationship which allowed me to shift the focus off myself. My girlfriend and I moved up to Newcastle where I studied Fine Art.
My girlfriend was suffering from M.E. and for the next seven years I unconsciously used her as an excuse to not face up to the fact that I had serious problems of my own. My life became a bigger and bigger lie. On the outside I appeared to be strong, caring, optimistic, eager to please everybody, giving the impression I was well-adjusted and balanced. But in reality I was going through one of the blackest phases of my life, resorting to suppressing my emotions whenever I was around other people.
I used to dream of being somewhere else, but my life was an illusion. I thought that a change of location would help me, it never did. I was not capable of helping myself, let alone my girlfriend. My hidden anger was eating me up more and more. I didn’t realise this at the time because I masked it by smoking marijuana every day. My only form of expression was painting which became a channel for my anger, but this made me focus more on myself and I became more obsessed with my problems. Eventually I was too angry even to paint, and that also came to a standstill, to the point that I would simply sit in my studio looking out of the window smoking. On Valentine's Day I993 my life took another turn when my studio was burnt down. Things were coming to a head which I could no longer ignore. I knew some things had to change. In September 1993, in an attempt to escape my problems, I left for Athens with a Fine Arts Scholarship.
It was during my time in Newcastle back in 1990 that I first met Sifu. At the time I was trying to find a way to help my girlfriend who had by then been suffering from M.E. for three years. I remember my very first experience of attending Sifu’s Qigong class when Sifu helped me to ground some of the stagnated energy in my body in a cleansing session which seemed to be only a few minutes long, but in fact lasted a whole hour. I realised from that moment that what Sifu was doing was real.
Though I did not attend often, Sifu's classes for me were like a relief from the hell I had created for myself. I remember the feeling of warmth and joy I would have during and after leaving his classes. However, I was proud and arrogant, unable to admit that I needed help from anyone. I felt I could deal with things myself. Neither myself nor my girlfriend were ready for what Sifu had to offer us. Personally I was too engrossed in my own problems, too much in the thick of things to even see what he was offering. As Sifu always says, he does not impose his teaching on anyone, the student must come of his own free will and must come with sincerity, otherwise they cannot benefit from his teaching. Though I did not attend Sifu’s classes regularly, something deep in my unconscious registered that there was a lot more to Sifu than meets the eye.
As can be expected, my problems followed me to Athens. Once there, I was still restless, too restless to even attend classes at the School of Fine Art. Instead I walked the streets of Athens and became involved in a new relationship and threw myself again into someone else's causes.
The words of Sifu, however, remained in my mind. I remember him saying, in one of his last classes I attended, that life functions by the principle of 'you reap what you sow'. So I decided to return to Newcastle for a month to train to become an English teacher so that I could become involved in the Greek society in some useful way. Other images which remained in my mind when I was in Greece were many of Sifu's students who, for some reason, shone out like a light. After just over a year in Greece I sent a letter to Sifu, inviting him to give a seminar in Athens. I was not really sure what to expect when I invited Sifu to Athens, it was like a gut instinct. When Sifu accepted my invitation, a new stage of my life began to unfold. Every day since the first day he came has been for me like a new discovery, a new day of awakening to the true identity of myself.
The Removal of Dark Glasses
When I first met Sifu I was wearing a thick impenetrable helmet of deception made up of layer after layer of dark glasses. Rather than removing the helmet for me all at once, Sifu chooses to take one layer off at a time. On each occasion, Sifu has acted like a mirror, revealing for me slowly at the appropriate time, all the half truths, self-made concepts and subjective views that I have been hiding behind. Every time I'm with him the dark glasses become a little easier to see through. The layers are many, but Sifu is consistent and in his compassion he lets nothing slip by. It is very easy when you're at a point of desperation in your life to go towards what you deem as hope in a fanatical way. This fanaticism comes from our deep-rooted attachment to the idea of what is right and what is wrong, our conditioned sense of rivalry and competitiveness. After Sifu's first few visits to Greece, a kind of arrogance swelled up in me, almost a feeling of superiority, a form of scholastic ego. Rather than being of assistance and support to others, I ended up creating resentment and disquiet. My past habit of hiding from what is authentic prompted me to turn Sifu’s teaching into concepts of convenience so as to suit my lack of understanding and my lack of effort in implementing the authentic teaching of Sifu into action.
Whilst Sifu was very consistent as a teacher, I was totally inconsistent as a student and I would be very judgmental and hard with myself and with others. I was constantly championing causes which I couldn't even begin to understand then. I had many good intentions to help other people. I ended up jumping into stormy seas time and again to save those I deemed as drowning men, yet I could hardly swim myself, let alone trying to save others.
I took Sifu's teaching and put my own logic to it by selecting the parts I felt comfortable and disregarded the rest, those which required the changing of old habits. Though Sifu gave me very clear instruction on how to undertake the safest path, I kept looking for fictitious short-cuts of my own making, putting great expectations on myself to attain instant changes. Each time I drifted off course, Sifu always came back to throw me a safety line and pull me back on course.
In January 1997 I went to England to start the Pathgate Institute Classical Qigong Study Course. I experienced there what Eldan Friedman described in his article 'I was looking for a teacher and I found Buddha', that whenever he was around Sifu, he felt as if' he was running out of air. As a Spiritual Mentor, Sifu is like a mirror. He reflects the questions and uncertainties which lurk within the mental consciousness of the students who cannot express nor comprehend their state of being due to their attachment to anxiety and subjective reality.
What I saw in the mirror was the reflection of my own fear: the fear of change; the fear of love, the fear of the lack of love; the fear of being alone, of being with people; the fear of the unknown, of discovery, of breaking boundaries.
In the past, whenever I felt threatened by any situation, I created a range of false persona to protect myself. The list is endless: being angry and resentful, being aloof and detached, being arrogant and conceited, being in control and independent, and being in a kind and caring mode for the sake of seeking approval. These persona had been with me for so long that I felt safe and familiar with them even though they are not really me. Fear of letting go of these false persona would sometimes make me literally blind with terror when around Sifu because he sees through every single one of them and understands the causes of their existence.
Sifu came to Greece and his presence would be so intense for me that after his weekend visits I would feel totally shattered. My girlfriend would complain also that I was different when he was around. The reason why I would become very tired after one of Sifu’s trips to Athens was that I spent a lot of energy trying to defend those artificial personas even though they have been the cause of endless unsatisfactory experiences in my life. The presence of Sifu has the effect of revealing what is not authentic. Thus, I wasn't the normal me as my girlfriend had observed.
But fear exists in us because we do not understand the causes and thus do not have the courage to face up to our negative habits. What Sifu does as a mentor is to give his students the guidance on how to neutralise their fears through understanding the causes which give rise to them, and then how to nullify their effects with appropriate action. But, if you focus on self-liberation only, you won't change.
Thus what Sifu looks to develop in his students is the right kind of motivation, which cultivates unconditional compassion towards all sentient beings; the right kind of attentiveness and quiet mind which enables one to retain what one has been taught, and the single-pointed determination to implement what one has learnt in action, so as to gain experience and thus insight into one’s condition whereby it can be harmonised.
But each insight we obtain is no more than a small piece of relative understanding - part of a massive jigsaw composing of thousands of other pieces which have yet been assembled in the right order to offer an unobstructed view of the intended picture. And whilst I was in the thick of things and couldn't see through the mask, I kept my sights on the bright light cast by my mentor. The light gave me the faith to continue even when my own logic could understand nothing.
Question: Where does my faith in Sifu as a mentor come from?
Answer: The consistency of phenomenon!
Throughout the years, I have witnessed countless times the phenomenon of Sifu administrating healing to bring relief to different people’s ailments both in Greece and in Newcastle. In fact it is such a frequent occurrence that it seems totally natural to me.
During the 1997 summer retreat in Mount Pelio, Greece, a most incredible phenomenon occurred which took everyone by surprise. We were all at the beach one afternoon after lunch, and the waves were especially buoyant and ferocious, so much so that going in and out of the sea was difficult and often led to us being knocked over or dragged in, with the end result that we would find sand and shingles in our ears and inside our swimwear as we tried to regain our composure. Sifu was wearing his glasses when he was getting back onto the beach from the sea. As Sifu was about to reach the shore, a towering wave came down on him from behind and he went tumbling back into the sea. When Sifu got out again he was without his glasses. We all realised that there was no way we could recover them for they would have been immediately swept out to the sea by the tide. The other obstacle was the difficulty in seeing through the foaming surf due to the ferocity of the waves. However, a strange phenomenon occurred as though it were being dictated by a heavenly mandate: the waves suddenly became calm for no apparent reason, so much so that we were all able to walk among what was moments earlier a ferocious surf and begin searching for Sifu’s glasses. Within a few minutes, the glasses were spotted lying in the water and they were returned to Sifu. What was truly amazing was the state of the recovered glasses: there was not a single scratch on them while most of us had picked up scratches on our legs and arms from being swept over by surf that afternoon. We were also astonished by the fact that no sooner were the glasses recovered, than the sea returned to its previous ferocious state.
Sifu always maintains that if you live a life in accordance with the understanding and dynamics of the universal truth of ultimate reality - whereby the development of one’s cognition of transcendent perfection is being continuously cultivated and enhanced to enable one to become more skilful in extending the influence of what is remedial for the greater benefit of all living beings - then the forces of nature, and the efficacy of universal goodness around you, can be counted upon to work with you to facilitate the attainment of your quest under a much more favourable light and the blessing of beneficial condition. Heavenly mandate will always be on the side of those who are engaging in the cultivation of transcendent perfection - the development of generosity, discipline, appreciative determination, non-dualistic wisdom, resolute action, patience, truthfulness, meditative concentration, loving kindness and equanimity.
Void Power
Another phenomena I have witnessed is Sifu's ability to repel someone's attack without touching them through the application of Void Power. I first witnessed this in September 1996. At that time, my energy structure was in such a congested state that if Sifu had demonstrated on me, it would have been like having all my suppressed emotions, all the anger, all the regret and guilt I have ever accumulated from my past being released in my body all at once. The result would have been catastrophic. It would have been like being at the centre of a colossal internal explosion of uncontrollable convulsion which would have torn through my physical infra-structure and brought on a total collapse of my central nervous system all at once.
However, since starting the Pathgate Institute Classical Qigong Study Course, and only after having taken steps to harmonise the afflictive influences of suppressed emotion and such like, did Sifu agree to demonstrate Void Power on me. One moment I would be charging towards Sifu with an attack, and the next moment I would find myself losing my footing and falling onto the floor without Sifu making any visible contact with my body. The great thing is that there is never any discomfort or pain.
However, one thing that Sifu always emphasises is that we should not attach ourselves to the idea of such phenomena, as then we would tend to aspire towards a false sense of power. He himself uses these demonstrations as evidence to make us aware of the different states of energy and how they may affect the body and mind; they are used as a means to validate the authenticity of what he teaches. For example, one of the things that Sifu teaches us is to avoid the entanglement of rivalry and competitiveness for they are the hindrance to joyful living. A much more preferable alternative is to adopt the living action of harmonisation whenever it is feasible. When we come upon a situation of conflict, Sifu shows us by his own example that the path of harmony is applicable even in the practising of martial arts. When skilfully applied, even if someone is bent on hurting you, not only can you neutralise their attack, but you can also stop the attacker from hurting themselves. In fact what I found after trying to attack Sifu several times without success was that I could not stop smiling, rather than being disappointed. Similar experiences were common among those who work with Sifu wherever he goes.
Reverence, Humility & Gratitude
Sifu constantly encourages his students to embrace each moment in life with reverence, gratitude, and humility as if you are welcoming an honoured guest. I began to understand a glimpse of what the above teaching means when I started to observe Sifu's own example.
Wherever we go, Sifu radiates love and compassion and shows a concern and interest towards all those he meets. He treats everyone with equal respect. When in restaurants he treats the waiters with such thoughtfulness that he inevitably receives the best service as befitting an honoured guest. I remember during the first summer retreat in Killini, Greece, that the owner of a certain restaurant which we frequented would bring us a double portion of what we ordered and would be offended if we tried to pay more. On one occasion he specifically went to catch fish himself so that he could make us a fish soup.
Key to Joyful Living
Sifu always maintains that you become what you most practice, and that one's journey towards a more joyful life comes from working firstly on the ground of the mind, which gives rise to the proper foundation for the cultivation of the right kind of conduct and character. Even in his sleep Sifu is an example to his students. Once, whilst in Athens, Sifu decided to take a nap on top of the bed with his clothes on. At two o'clock in the morning, two students went to wake him up to get him to go to bed. Sifu put his arm up in his sleep and with a smile and spoke quietly: “I'm fine, thank you”, and then put his arm back down again. I wonder how many of us can be confident that we can conduct ourselves appropriately even in our sleep?
Peaceful mind and Enthusiasm
Due to Sifu’s discriminating wisdom and peaceful mind, he has boundless enthusiasm in helping all living beings to cultivate a state of good compassionate heart so that they too may live a joyful life in harmony with themselves and those around them. Sifu lives and acts by what he teaches and thus never stops teaching. Whilst in Athens he begins as soon as we get up and there is no stop until we are all in bed. Throughout the workshop he is constantly demonstrating applications of the different Chinese Internal Arts as a way of explaining and substantiating his teaching. When the workshop is over, he continues to regale us with stories and parables as examples to illustrate how best the teaching can be applied. There is never a dull moment, and through his enthusiasm Sifu inspires others to develop the same enthusiasm towards life and the cultivation of a compassionate heart.
Well Versed in Canon & Scripture
One of the most amazing things about Sifu is his wealth of knowledge in different canons. Sifu’s teaching often takes into account the variances of culture and religion of the students who are present. It is as easy for Sifu to quote readily from the scriptures of Buddhist, Taoist, Christian, Kabbalah, Islamic or Hindu tradition as it is from the teachings of Greek philosophers and other worldly wisdom just so to facilitate a greater understanding of his teaching.
A Living Example
It is very important to follow a teacher who lives by the example of his teachings. Sifu has never asked a student to do what he himself has not done or would not be prepared to do. Whilst Sifu may have the right remedy to nullify our afflictive tendencies, it is up to us to actually take the remedy and to implement the teaching into our lives. Since meeting Sifu, my life has slowly found a direction, it is one of joy, light, love and faith. Sifu is like a pure white light which shines very brightly wherever he is. By being this pure white light, Sifu has given many people a real hope for a better future. For those who come with sincerity, reverence and humility, he shows them the means to cultivate harmony in all their undertakings and then guides them to begin a journey of development which transcends beyond the dualism of relative reality, and in due course assists them to attain the blissful state of joyful living."
